People Pleasing is a Gift—If You Know How to Use It
I used to be the QUEEN of people-pleasing. A walking, talking, self-sacrificing approval-seeker. I was terrified of standing up for myself when I got hurt. I let mistreatment slide because calling it out felt too uncomfortable. I said YES to jobs, plans, and situations I hated just to keep others happy.
I denied opportunities that could've expanded my world because I feared what people would think. I wore outfits that didn't feel like me, deleted posts to avoid triggering someone, and shaped my entire existence around one question:
How will people feel about this?
I didn’t realize it then, but I was living my life like a supporting character in everyone else’s story.
But here’s the thing: People pleasing isn’t a weakness. It means you CARE. You want people to feel comfortable, happy, and at ease in your presence. That’s a BEAUTIFUL thing. It shows empathy, kindness, and a deep consideration for others.
The PROBLEM? When Their Happiness Becomes Your Happiness.
When their approval determines your worth. When you live in constant fear of being disliked, misunderstood, or REJECTED.
Because let’s be real—it is okay to be disliked. It is okay to be misunderstood. People will only understand you at the level they understand themselves. No matter what you do, some will think you’re too much, too little, too weird. That’s not a reflection of you. It’s a reflection of them.
Why Do We Even People Please?
Let’s be honest—people pleasing isn’t just about being nice. It’s about seeking VALIDATION. It’s wanting people to see you as good, worthy, lovable. It’s needing reassurance that you belong. It’s fearing rejection, so you bend, mold, and shrink yourself to fit.
And why do we do this?
Because somewhere along the way, we learned that being liked = being SAFE.
Maybe you were criticized growing up, so you learned to be agreeable to avoid conflict.
Maybe love was conditional, so you overgive, overextend, and over-sacrifice to feel accepted.
Maybe you were told that being “too LOUD,” “too BOLD,” or “too MUCH” wasn’t acceptable—so you edited yourself to be what others wanted.
But here’s the TRUTH: No matter how much you try to please, someone will always have a problem with you.
Some will see you as an ANGEL. Some will see you as the VILLAIN. Some will think you’re the kindest soul. Some will think you’re a MESS.
Same you, different perspectives. Which one are you going to let define you?
People Pleasing Can Destroy You If You Let It
Here’s what happens when people-pleasing goes unchecked:
You lose yourself. You start living for their approval instead of your own.
Your self-worth becomes unstable. If external validation fuels your confidence, what happens when it’s not there?
You attract one-sided relationships. You give, they take. And it’s never enough.
You hold back from speaking your truth. You silence yourself to avoid conflict, even when something feels wrong.
You become resentful. The more you pour into others without receiving, the more drained and exhausted you feel.
And the worst part? Even if you do everything right, you still won’t be enough for everyone. So why not be enough for YOURSELF first?
The Harsh Truth About People Pleasing: It’s SELFISH
This might be a hard pill to swallow, but people pleasing isn’t purely selfless.
You’re not just doing things for others out of kindness—you’re doing it because you expect something in return.
You expect them to LIKE you.
You expect them to see you as GOOD.
You expect their approval to validate your WORTH.
And when they don’t respond the way you want? You feel like sh*t. You question yourself. You wonder why your efforts aren’t enough.
But if you were truly doing it from the heart, you wouldn’t need anything in return.
So, ask yourself: Are you making people happy because you genuinely want to?
Or are you doing it because you need them to like you?
If it’s the second one, it’s time to SHIFT YOUR MINDSET.
Balancing People Pleasing: The Healthy Way
The answer isn’t to become a stone-cold b*tch who doesn’t care about anyone. The answer is learning when to care and when to let go.
1. Please others—without betraying yourself. Ask yourself:
Is this sacrifice worth it?
Do I genuinely want to do this, or am I doing it out of love or fear?
Will I regret this later?
✅ Doing something for someone because you love them and it makes you happy.
❌ Doing something because you’re afraid of what they’ll think if you don’t.
2. Learn to sit with discomfort.
You won’t die if someone doesn’t like you. You won’t crumble if someone misjudges you. Let people misunderstand you—you don’t owe everyone an explanation.
3. Redefine what it means to be a "good person."
Being good isn’t about being liked, it’s being true to yourself, your values, and your boundaries, while being kind and contributing to the world from a genuine place.
4. Take everything as feedback.
If someone is upset, ask:
Is this something I can improve on?
Or is this just their inability to deal with it?
My Shift From Seeking Approval to Self-Acceptance
Everyone can like you but they may not respect you.
Everyone who respects you may not like you.
But I would rather be respected for BEING MYSELF than loved for a version of me I do not love.
I stopped worrying about my reputation and started focusing on my impact—whatever that may mean to someone. Some people may be impacted by me negatively or positively, and that’s okay.
Now, if someone misunderstands me? Too bad. If someone doesn’t vibe with me? Okay. If someone wants to judge me based on their limited perspective? That’s their problem, not mine.
I’m happy with the people who see me, get me, and love me as I am. That’s all that matters.
So, Let Me Ask You This:
You're busy pleasing everyone, but have you considered pleasing yourself first?
Because if your self-worth is attached to others, it’s a double-edged sword—they don’t like you, and you don’t like you either.
If you want to please anyone, please yourself first. And the people who are meant for you? They’ll love you for it. The ones who don’t? LET THEM GO.
Because the most freeing thing you’ll ever realize is this:
You were never meant to be for everyone.
So instead of trying to be liked, focus on understanding why you crave that approval. Understand why you want to be loved, instead of seeking it outside of you.
Understand why you want to be validated, and how you can do that for yourself instead.
THIS is the work we do together. If you wanna break free from this let’s fckin chat, Queen!